Cruel To Be Kind

Things have been just a little bit hectic lately.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fiiiine.

That’s why, my faithful legions of readers, posts have been a bit sparse.

People handle stress in different ways; some withdraw, others lash out. But people don’t just cope with stress in different ways, they perceive and experience stress differently. Certain stimuli might send one person over the edge and barely affect another. Exploring the domestic discipline dynamic with my wife has led me to reconsider how I respond to her when she is clearly stressed out.

My wife has said that she leans towards being a control freak, and the more stressed out she is the more strongly that tendency manifests itself. For much of our relationship I’ve responded by trying help address whatever the problem was, by offering reassuring words, and by otherwise trying to give her space: both by letting her do her own thing–which typically resembles a kind of manic energy–until she calms down, and by ignoring or disengaging when the stress and anxiety bubble over and cause my Sweetheart to start spitting venom.

Fortunately her crest usually gives me adequate warning to cover my eyes.

In other words, I was responding to her as though she was handling things the same way I would. In hindsight, this probably wasn’t my brightest move ever and, predictably, did not have the desired effect. Instead of calming her down this approach might have done the exact opposite. Let’s take a closer look at just why this went wrong.

The Problem Isn’t The Problem

One thing I recently realized is that when Sweetheart gets very stressed out whatever caused her to feel that way is no longer the (immediate) problem. The problem is that she has gotten trapped up inside her head, running through what-if’s and hypothetical situations until she feels like everything is spiraling out of control. When I ask “What can I do to help?” it becomes just another decision for her to make, adding even more stress to her load. Suggesting a specific course of action is better, but it still doesn’t halt that cycle of anxiety that compels her to try and seize control of everything.

Stuff Your Sorries In A Sack, Mister

“It’s going to be okay.” “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” There is a time and place for soothing platitudes, I suppose. Sometimes it is nice to hear one of these phrases, especially when the person saying it really believes it and, more importantly, can make you believe it too. But very often these phrases we use to comfort someone are devoid of meaning, and might serve to emphasize just how not ok things are at the present time. They rarely seem to help when my wife is ricocheting around inside her own head, and I now wonder if I’ve sounded like an adult in Peanuts when I’ve said these things.

PSA: Do NOT Google “Peanuts Adult Image.”

In the past, after trying to help my Sweetheart fix whatever upset her in the first place, and after trying to reassure her that everything was going to be fiiiiiine, I typically just backed off and tried to give her some space.

Spaaaace

I mean, at that point I had made sincere attempts to fix the problem and to provide a morale boost–now she just needed a little time, right?

You’d think after a few times of this approach leading to bickering and arguments I would have wised up.

I did not.

It wasn’t until things started shifting in the direction of domestic discipline that I realized what a big mistake I was making.  The first and most important thing to do when my wife gets stressed out is break that cycle, and I’ve found that being firm is far more effective than being mild.  It goes without saying that I’m not suggesting unkindness, but rather a response proportional to the distress she is feeling.  Sometimes that might be a simple admonishment.  Other times…

“Could you please stop enjoying this so much?”

…a stronger response might be called for. You’ll recall my post about the different kinds of spankings. In this situation a spanking would fall into both the punishment and relief categories; a punishment for rudeness, and a way to relieve the anxiety and worry that she has built up. Whatever it is that works does so because it serves as a reminder of the trust she has placed in me and the promise that I will always do everything in my power to do what is best for us. It relieves that burden of fear and doubt because it is a demonstration of that commitment instead of empty words and gestures, and because it bolsters the sense of intimacy and togetherness we share. As I’ve said before, a spanking at the proper time done in the proper way can clear the air for both partners. Afterwards it is easier to focus on the original problem that caused the upset in the first place.

(You Googled “Peanuts Adult Image” and were disappointed that it wasn’t all bobble-headed smut, didn’t you?)

A Spanking By Any Other Name…

A quick Googling of “spanking” reveals a first page full of hits about the erotic aspect of it. (Well, mostly.  There’s also that one link about what Jesus thinks about spanking.)

Matthew 5:39 has apparently been grossly misinterpreted.

On the second page of results you’ll find a mixture of links–some about the erotic aspect and a fair number about spanking as a parent, with the general consensus being “don’t do it.”

All that spanking has to go somewhere.

What does all this have to do with domestic discipline, this blog, or the price of tea in China?  Fair question, imaginary reader, and I’ll tell you: as our culture (well, the U.S.–I’m wagging a finger at our friends across the pond) has gradually become more sexually permissive certain kinky elements have either become part of the new norm, or at least have garnered some level of acceptance. In other words, it’s hard to argue that something is still on the taboo fringe when Cosmo has a guide for it. However, this acceptance does not extend beyond the bedroom threshold, and the more you remove the eroticism from the act the less you’ll find acceptance or understanding from other people–even, at times, people that are part of the larger BDSM community.

Which brings us to the different kinds of spankings that you might find in a domestic discipline relationship.

Erotic

The goal of the erotic spanking is the sexual gratification of (ideally) both partners. There isn’t much more to say about it, or at least not much more to say that is true for every erotic spanking. For some, an erotic spanking is little more than light slapping and may only last a few moments. For others it might be a bit more thorough–lasting much longer and likely to leave some bruising or marking from whatever implement is used. One couple might have a hands-only policy, while another could use hands, paddles, hairbrushes, wooden spoons, rules, canes, floggers, that stealthy bastard the loopy johnny, or any combination of implements depending on the circumstances.

Why is spanking erotic for some people? Another common question, and there are some decent articles out there about endorphins and all that, but I think that is an oversimplification. The answer to why? varies as much as the the other factors described above. I wouldn’t worry too much about why you, or someone you know, likes a thing, as long as no one is being genuinely harmed.

Relief

Refocusing, centering, stress relief: this kind of spanking doesn’t seem to have an official name, but it is something that does seem to occur in both domestic discipline and strictly BDSM relationships.  The purpose of the relief spanking is to help the sub regain his or her composure.

He knows the sound of one hand clapping…

“Horseshit!” I hear you cry. “How can a spanking make someone feel better?” Because, dear reader, spankings are only partly physical.  The mental and emotional facets of the act should neither be forgotten nor understated. It’s hard to keep worrying about all the little imps that gnaw away at your mind–the stress, the anxiety, the misplaced or misguided guilt–when someone is slowly but certainly lighting your ass on fire. And if that same someone is tenderly stroking your back and your hair while talking to you, telling you how wonderful you are?  The walls that you have built up to protect feelings and to keep people at bay are the same walls that make you a prisoner, locking your feelings up and preventing you from connecting with someone–someone you very much want to connect with.  The relief spanking, ideally, banishes those imps, tears down those walls, and builds you back up, allowing you to reconnect in a (surprisingly) intimate way.

Just like erotic spankings the force, pace, and implement used in a relief spanking can vary dramatically from couple to couple, or even from spanking to spanking. Typically, however, a relief spanking uses a moderate amount of force and lasts at least a few minutes, though the duration is more often determined by how long it takes the spankee to purge whatever troubles them.

Punishment

Before we discuss the most contentious kind of spanking–the good old-fashioned punishment spanking–just look at this picture:

The family that spanks together… stays together?

I can not stop laughing at this image. Look at his face! Look at their faces!  Every time I glance at it I see something else. Where exactly is she planning on putting her right hand? Is this spanking school? Why is he wearing an apron? Thank you, Google Image Search, you rarely disappoint.

Ok, I am absolutely a serious and respectable adult. I’m better now.

The punishment spanking. The objective is right there in the name: it is a punitive response to misbehavior. Be honest: if you had to tell someone that you and your partner engaged in spanking this is the one that would make that conversation reach critical awkward levels. It is very difficult for people to understand or accept why one adult would willingly, even enthusiastically, permit their partner to discipline them for any reason. As I said in my first post, I don’t feel any inclination to defend this thing we do (hat tip to Desiring Discipline for teaching me that term). Instead, I’ll just say that people want what they want. We can explore the why of the thing another time when we’ve both had a bit of grandpa’s medicine and we feel like waxing philosophic.

It’s essential to note that the intent of the punishment spanking is to correct misbehavior–misbehavior being defined differently from couple to couple. This kind of spanking, more than any other, should never be undertaken when angry or intoxicated, and it should never come as a surprise to the person being spanked. Before, during or, rarely, after, the spanker should make it absolutely clear why the punishment is taking place.  I would go so far as to say that the person receiving the spanking should agree with the reasoning before the punishment is given, otherwise an act that is supposed to bring a couple closer together might instead make whatever disharmony exists even more pronounced. The punishment spanking, as one might expect, is typically harder and longer than either the erotic or the relief spankings. Aftercare–the gentle reconnection between partners–is more important following this kind of spanking than any other.

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It would be naive to claim that these three things are either comprehensive or distinct. The acts we perform in a relationship can rarely be so easily categorized and compartmentalized, and spanking is no exception. Some hint of the erotic may sneak in during what should be a punishment spanking, or some relief may be found during an erotic or punishment spanking. The point of this taxonomy isn’t to define boundaries, but to open up possibilities. So go forth and warm your hands, or your bums, and consider those possibilities.

But before you go let me leave you with one last thing to consider:

Ha! HA!