The 4 D’s (Part I)

If you practice domestic discipline then you’ve probably heard of the four D’s:

Diseased, Dying, Disabled, and Dead.

Uh…

Sorry, wrong notes.

The four D’s of domestic discipline are : Dishonesty, Disobedience, Dangerous (behavior), and Disrespect.  These are often presented as the first and simplest guidelines that should be adopted for the submissive partner’s behavior.  The reason is sound: for the most part they are simple, straightforward, and to a certain extent should be a part of any relationship–DD, vanilla, or otherwise.

Let’s talk about what they mean in a DD relationship.

Dishonesty

Don’t lie.  It’s that easy.

Boom. We’re done here.

But wait, Mr. Knave! I hear you cry.  I never lied. I just didn’t mention something.  To which I reply: Prevaricator! Dissembler! Shame! You filthy, lying, perfidious, fib-beast!

Get out of my bloghouse!

No, wait, don’t go. I forgive you.  Lying isn’t just the deliberate speaking of a falsehood, it is any behavior that either intentionally misleads someone or even allows them to be misled. Lying by speaking a falsehood, lying by omission, lying by implication, and lying to oneself are all just different kinds of dishonesty and all of them are equally destructive.

Dishonesty is toxic and insidious. If unchecked it will spread its greasy tendrils all throughout a relationship, it will drain it of all the trust and love that relationship is built on, and it will leave nothing but a husk behind.  This is as true for a vanilla relationship as it is for any other kind of relationship.

But what about little white lies? the more tenderhearted amongst you ask. Fair question. I sincerely believe that absolute honesty is the best policy. If your husband/wife asks, “Does this make me look fat?” I feel like you should give an honest answer.

We laugh, but I’m starting to worry Ackbar might have paranoid personality disorder.

There is a way to do this tactfully, of course, but inevitably feelings will be bruised, I know. I maintain that it is still the best policy, though perhaps not one that can be introduced to a long established relationship without a great deal of difficulty.

Why are you trying to sabotage my relationship? you ask. I’m not, I promise.  I believe that the closer we are to someone, the more we owe it to them to be honest.  I’m not suggesting you proclaim, “My god, you look huuuuuuuuuge!” the moment your partner walks into the room.  Don’t be unkind and don’t be rude, but if they ask for an opinion you should be honest.  Why?  Because other people that don’t care for your partner will be honest.  They will be unkind and they will be rude. They will be cruel. Very often a white lie is just as much about protecting yourself from unpleasantness as it is about sparing your partner from hurt feelings.  That is selfish and, in domestic discipline in particular, it has no place.

Most of this applies to all relationships, but there is one particular aspect of dishonesty that warrants special attention in a domestic discipline relationship.  Because the submissive person has guidelines that govern behavior and because the person in charge isn’t omniscient there will inevitably be times where those guidelines are broken without the Head of Household’s (HoH) knowledge.  Is it dishonest for the submissive to neglect to mention those infractions?

Of course it is.

DD is a mutual agreement between partners.  If either person doesn’t want to participate it should cease, full stop.  Otherwise, both people should act in good faith.  If the submissive breaks a rule he or she should own up to it and allow the HoH to decide on the consequences. Very often the infraction is far less serious than a breach of trust–such as withholding something–would be.

Disobedience

You might think that in the context of a vanilla relationship this D doesn’t mean much.  You’d be mistaken.  Think about the last time you were in a relationship and both parties agreed to a certain course of action for a big decision–maybe it was buying a certain kind of car, or a particular course of action regarding how to handle a problem with a child, but whatever it was both people agreed to obey and abide by the decision.  Now think about what would (or did) happen if one party violated that agreement.

The treaty has been violated. We must prepare for battle.

The meaning of obedience in domestic discipline isn’t that different. Both parties agree to the general premise and the specific guidelines.  The difference is that the consequences of violating those agreements are also agreed upon.

Obedience does not mean being a servant or a slave, and it does not mean the HoH should be barking orders at their partner.  Disagreements are a natural, healthy part of a relationship and both partners should feel free to express their thoughts and opinions without fear of repercussion, so long as they are expressed politely and in a constructive way.

Respectfully, Sir, everything you just said is stupid, which shouldn’t be a surprise since it came out of your stupid face.

What it does mean is that after everything has been said one partner considers the options, makes the decision, and the other partner accedes without continued argument, dissent, or complaint. The measure of trust and faith that the submissive partner demonstrates through these actions is humbling, and the result is a more harmonious relationship. At times it means that the HoH will tell the submissive partner what, or how, to do or not do something–and because DD means that the HoH is always considering both the best interest of the relationship and the best interest of the submissive, the submissive will obey.

This seems very one-sided, the critics in the audience mutter. What about the HoH? Another fair question.  The trust I mentioned above must be earned, and the submission must be granted.  The HoH has a responsibility not only to act in the relationship’s best interest, but to hold himself (or herself) to an even higher standard than that which governs the submissive, or risk losing that trust along with the gift of submission his (or her) partner has bestowed.

To Be Continued

Good talk, loyal readers. I feel like we covered some real ground here. We talked about two out of four of the D’s, but confession time: these were easy ones.  Next time we’ll look at Dangerous (behavior) and Disrespect, the latter of which can be difficult to define, and what all four of them mean to my Sweetheart and me. See you soon.

The First Time

The first time I spanked my Sweetheart as a form of punishment was the day after we had agreed to practice domestic discipline. We had joked that we might not notice much of a difference–unbeknownst to me, my wife had been working towards a more submissive role for some time, both in our love life and outside the bedroom. I expressed doubt about punishment being necessary, as I couldn’t recall the last time she had done something that would warrant one under this new dynamic.

Fast forward twenty-four hours.

Sweetheart was resting in the den, on her way to recovery from some health trouble. I stood in the kitchen, paused in the process of making lunch for us. The transgression was such a minor thing. Trivial. Laughable.  However, she had asked what I thought we should do about this little thing and then she had done the exact opposite. Is she testing me? I wondered. It was more likely that her disobedience was the result of some distraction and not an act of defiance. Does something this small and silly deserve a punishment? I realized that I was trying to convince myself that it did not, but we had agreed–just the day prior–that my say would be final.

“Here we go,” I said, placing lunch on the table in front of her. Soup, I think. I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. She smelled clean and fresh, like soap and coconut. “But before we eat there is one thing we need to take care of.”  She looked at me, her brow furrowed.

“Please stand up and bend over the back of the chair.” She obeyed without hesitation, unfolding her legs from within the long skirt she was wearing and rising from her seat. I wanted her over my knee, but the health troubles made that impossible.

“I’m being punished.” It was a statement, not a question, and her tone gave little indication about what she was feeling. She said it the way a person says “I’m going to the store.”

“Yes,” I replied. “Do you know why?” Her response was prompt. “Because I disobeyed you.”

“That’s right. You asked me to make a decision and immediately did the opposite.”

She nodded and bent over the chair.

“Lift your skirt, please.” She reached back with one hand and raised the thin cloth over her ass.  She had no underwear on–the band irritated her skin while she was recovering.

Her skin was paler than pale, and there was plenty of skin to see. The firm roundness of her ass. The sleek suppleness of her thighs. Normally, just being near my wife is enough to stoke my fire. The scent of her under soap and perfume makes my blood race. The sight of her soft curves and flesh fill me with wild desire. I felt no joy at the prospect of punishing her, but something sent a jolt through me. My cock stirred.

It was the fact of her submission that thrilled me.  There she stood, my Sweetheart, bent over a chair, exposed and vulnerable, offering herself to me without reservation. The image of it was breathtaking. I’m yours, it said, and the stirring became a hard throb pressing against my jeans. It wasn’t appropriate to be aroused, but I felt no shame. Her feet shifted back and forth, back and forth.  It was a small gesture, and the only hint that she was not entirely at ease. I stood at her side, my left hand resting on the small of her back.

The first slap came suddenly. It wasn’t hard but the shock of it made her jump. The next blow hit her other cheek.

“Count.”

“One,” she whispered.

The next few strokes came more quickly and with greater force. “Two, three….” She continued, counting every other slap. By the time she reached four my hand was stinging and red blossoms had appeared on her ass. They reminded me of the way her face and neck and breasts flushed when she was aroused. Or angry.

“Five.” I paused and reached for the thin wooden spoon I had placed nearby. I had tested the spoon on myself–it stung. I brought it against her rear with a soft crack. She hissed, a sharp intake of breath. Another crack brought the same reaction.

“Six.” Another, and another. “Seven.” She winced involuntarily each time.

“Eight. Nine.” She bit the words off. The last few blows were just harder than a tap. “Ten.”

I blew against her bright red skin and rubbed it with the soft skin on the back of my hand. “It’s over,” I said.

She rose from the chair and let the skirt fall back into place. She looked at me with wide eyes and I took her into my arms. She tucked her arms inside our embrace and placed her face against my neck as I kissed her cheeks and forehead and stroked her hair.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I know. I forgive you,” I replied. “It’s over.”

She raised her head and looked around, her eyes still wide and a little wild. She pointed to the spoon. “That thing is the devil!” I laughed. She laughed. She sat down, a bit gingerly, and normal life resumed. We ate lunch, enjoyed each other’s company, and silently wondered about this new road we had started on.

My Testicles Are In Great Shape, By The Way

On May 17th, 2015 TLC aired TLC Presents: Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage. The show looks at three couples that incorporate, or attempt to incorporate, wifely submission into their marriages.

I’m just really happy I got to write the word “wifely.”

Lest you fall off the edge of your seats and smash your lovely faces, dear readers, I’ll share the verdict with you first, and we can then talk in greater detail about what I liked and didn’t like.

The Verdict

I liked it.

The Greater Detail

First, I should mention that this show is not about domestic discipline. The emphasis is entirely on the wives’ submission and no mention of punishment is ever made. Still, it is an interesting look at a dynamic that is similar to DD, and even with some flaws it is an enjoyable watch.

As I mentioned above, the show follows three couples:

Tim and Tara Furman, veterans of the submission scene.

His testicles are in great shape, by the way.

Eddie and Autumn Miles, third generation submitters.

His testicles are in great shape, by the way.

And finally, Kristin and Mark Haywood, new initiates to the submiss-teries. Mark’s testicles, for those keeping score, are not in great shape.

Like raisins in the sun.

Tim and Tara are helping Kristin and Mark try to transition from a rocky marriage into a happier, more harmonious one by introducing them to the submissive wife dynamic.

The Good

• It is entertaining. Tara reminds me of the very few Southern belles I’ve met and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say she carries the show.
• It never seems like these people are being mocked or painted like freaks in a sideshow. The otherness of the topic is the draw, of course, but it doesn’t feel like a great deal of spectacle.
• It seems less scripted than many other reality shows.
• It is a glimpse at a dynamic that is at least somewhat related to domestic discipline.  There is an overlapping philosophy.  Like Tim said, “My testicles are in great shape, by the way.”
  Like Tim also said, “For her to submit to you, you have to give her something to submit to.”  Domestic discipline shares that view: whoever is in charge must be worthy of their partner’s submission. Democracy works, in part, because of an odd number of people.  When you have two strong-willed and passionate people how do you break a tie?  Ideally, communication and compromise, but let’s be honest: that doesn’t always work.  What then?  Bickering, resentment, bitter recriminations?  What Submissive Wives’ and DD have in common is an approach to resolving this problem without animosity.  One partner has surrendered authority to the other, and that person has the responsibility of making the final call.  Sometimes that means overruling the submissive partner, while other times it might mean giving in.  At all times it demands that the Head of Household puts the family before him- or herself.

The Bad

• At times the show feels like an extended commercial for an actual show.  Maybe this is how TLC pitches reality shows, and if there is enough interest they’ll spin it up full-time.  The problems are resolved just a little too neatly, too quickly, to make it credible.
• It feels superficial.  The impression given is that the wife submits and she never falters on that course. You can’t tell me these submissive wives never get a sharp tongue or disobey their husbands. How do they handle that?  Maybe everything really is blissful harmony in their homes, but it feels like they skirt a couple issues that would have been very interesting to explore.
• The show presents submission almost as a kind of panacea for whatever ails a marriage.  Kristin and Mark are having some serious problems, it seems.  Kristin sleeps half the day and spends the rest on the couch.  Is she depressed?  Readers, you know me-ish:  I’m the guy writing a blog about domestic discipline.  I think it’s kind of obvious that I’m a big fan.  Still, I’d never suggest that it is a cure-all for the problems in a marriage.  It can absolutely help with some things, but both partners need to approach it with enthusiasm and good faith, and the show seems to present it instead as a quick fix.
• It places too much emphasis on gender roles. It’s right there in the title. The man is in charge, the woman is serving.  I don’t agree with this, I don’t believe it is supported by any kind of religious or biological imperative, and I think presenting it that way is problematic. It would have been better if the show was focused on marriages–man/woman, man/man, woman/woman–that practiced the dynamic in a variety of ways.  Even if they were too squeamish to touch gay marriages it would have been fascinating to see a woman Head of Household.
• It emphasized religion entirely too much.  Saying “this has been ordained by God” is not a convincing argument for people that don’t share those beliefs. I also think that presenting it that way is problematic, as it means having a marriage that is not this way is defying God.  That plays all kinds of havoc with the issue of consent that I am not at all comfortable with.  It would have been much better to say, “This is our choice. It works for us. We think it would work for a lot of other people, too.”
• It presents the topic of sexual submission in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.  “Just do it” is alarming advice for anyone, especially when there is an implied “even if you don’t like it.”  Both partners do not always have to climax.  There, I said it.  Truth bomb in your lap.

  

                    Pictured: Your orgasm.                Sidenote: “Truth bomb in your lap” is a pretty good euphemism for an orgasm.

  However, both partners should always take some pleasure and satisfaction from intimate acts with each other. Enjoying the touch, the sensation, the closeness, the special intimacy that is shared with no one else–all of these are just as valid as having an orgasm.  “Just do it” ignores this, and encourages one partner to engage in something that, in the absence of all of these things, is demeaning and dehumanizing.

There you have it.  I wanted to give you the verdict first, so my extensive criticisms didn’t give you the impression that it wasn’t enjoyable. The show was entertaining, and I encourage folks interested in any aspect of submission in the household to check it out. You can get that episode on Amazon for about $2.

I hope they have a follow up where Tim and Eddie talk about their testicle training regimen. Do they tie weights around them and lift?  Is it mostly cardio, where they swing them around in circles for half an hour every day?

Tim starts his mornings with a light jog.

These are the important questions, TLC, that your viewers are dying to know.

Cruel To Be Kind

Things have been just a little bit hectic lately.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fiiiine.

That’s why, my faithful legions of readers, posts have been a bit sparse.

People handle stress in different ways; some withdraw, others lash out. But people don’t just cope with stress in different ways, they perceive and experience stress differently. Certain stimuli might send one person over the edge and barely affect another. Exploring the domestic discipline dynamic with my wife has led me to reconsider how I respond to her when she is clearly stressed out.

My wife has said that she leans towards being a control freak, and the more stressed out she is the more strongly that tendency manifests itself. For much of our relationship I’ve responded by trying help address whatever the problem was, by offering reassuring words, and by otherwise trying to give her space: both by letting her do her own thing–which typically resembles a kind of manic energy–until she calms down, and by ignoring or disengaging when the stress and anxiety bubble over and cause my Sweetheart to start spitting venom.

Fortunately her crest usually gives me adequate warning to cover my eyes.

In other words, I was responding to her as though she was handling things the same way I would. In hindsight, this probably wasn’t my brightest move ever and, predictably, did not have the desired effect. Instead of calming her down this approach might have done the exact opposite. Let’s take a closer look at just why this went wrong.

The Problem Isn’t The Problem

One thing I recently realized is that when Sweetheart gets very stressed out whatever caused her to feel that way is no longer the (immediate) problem. The problem is that she has gotten trapped up inside her head, running through what-if’s and hypothetical situations until she feels like everything is spiraling out of control. When I ask “What can I do to help?” it becomes just another decision for her to make, adding even more stress to her load. Suggesting a specific course of action is better, but it still doesn’t halt that cycle of anxiety that compels her to try and seize control of everything.

Stuff Your Sorries In A Sack, Mister

“It’s going to be okay.” “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” There is a time and place for soothing platitudes, I suppose. Sometimes it is nice to hear one of these phrases, especially when the person saying it really believes it and, more importantly, can make you believe it too. But very often these phrases we use to comfort someone are devoid of meaning, and might serve to emphasize just how not ok things are at the present time. They rarely seem to help when my wife is ricocheting around inside her own head, and I now wonder if I’ve sounded like an adult in Peanuts when I’ve said these things.

PSA: Do NOT Google “Peanuts Adult Image.”

In the past, after trying to help my Sweetheart fix whatever upset her in the first place, and after trying to reassure her that everything was going to be fiiiiiine, I typically just backed off and tried to give her some space.

Spaaaace

I mean, at that point I had made sincere attempts to fix the problem and to provide a morale boost–now she just needed a little time, right?

You’d think after a few times of this approach leading to bickering and arguments I would have wised up.

I did not.

It wasn’t until things started shifting in the direction of domestic discipline that I realized what a big mistake I was making.  The first and most important thing to do when my wife gets stressed out is break that cycle, and I’ve found that being firm is far more effective than being mild.  It goes without saying that I’m not suggesting unkindness, but rather a response proportional to the distress she is feeling.  Sometimes that might be a simple admonishment.  Other times…

“Could you please stop enjoying this so much?”

…a stronger response might be called for. You’ll recall my post about the different kinds of spankings. In this situation a spanking would fall into both the punishment and relief categories; a punishment for rudeness, and a way to relieve the anxiety and worry that she has built up. Whatever it is that works does so because it serves as a reminder of the trust she has placed in me and the promise that I will always do everything in my power to do what is best for us. It relieves that burden of fear and doubt because it is a demonstration of that commitment instead of empty words and gestures, and because it bolsters the sense of intimacy and togetherness we share. As I’ve said before, a spanking at the proper time done in the proper way can clear the air for both partners. Afterwards it is easier to focus on the original problem that caused the upset in the first place.

(You Googled “Peanuts Adult Image” and were disappointed that it wasn’t all bobble-headed smut, didn’t you?)