Things have been just a little bit hectic lately.
That’s why, my faithful legions of readers, posts have been a bit sparse.
People handle stress in different ways; some withdraw, others lash out. But people don’t just cope with stress in different ways, they perceive and experience stress differently. Certain stimuli might send one person over the edge and barely affect another. Exploring the domestic discipline dynamic with my wife has led me to reconsider how I respond to her when she is clearly stressed out.
My wife has said that she leans towards being a control freak, and the more stressed out she is the more strongly that tendency manifests itself. For much of our relationship I’ve responded by trying help address whatever the problem was, by offering reassuring words, and by otherwise trying to give her space: both by letting her do her own thing–which typically resembles a kind of manic energy–until she calms down, and by ignoring or disengaging when the stress and anxiety bubble over and cause my Sweetheart to start spitting venom.
In other words, I was responding to her as though she was handling things the same way I would. In hindsight, this probably wasn’t my brightest move ever and, predictably, did not have the desired effect. Instead of calming her down this approach might have done the exact opposite. Let’s take a closer look at just why this went wrong.
The Problem Isn’t The Problem
One thing I recently realized is that when Sweetheart gets very stressed out whatever caused her to feel that way is no longer the (immediate) problem. The problem is that she has gotten trapped up inside her head, running through what-if’s and hypothetical situations until she feels like everything is spiraling out of control. When I ask “What can I do to help?” it becomes just another decision for her to make, adding even more stress to her load. Suggesting a specific course of action is better, but it still doesn’t halt that cycle of anxiety that compels her to try and seize control of everything.
Stuff Your Sorries In A Sack, Mister
“It’s going to be okay.” “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” There is a time and place for soothing platitudes, I suppose. Sometimes it is nice to hear one of these phrases, especially when the person saying it really believes it and, more importantly, can make you believe it too. But very often these phrases we use to comfort someone are devoid of meaning, and might serve to emphasize just how not ok things are at the present time. They rarely seem to help when my wife is ricocheting around inside her own head, and I now wonder if I’ve sounded like an adult in Peanuts when I’ve said these things.
In the past, after trying to help my Sweetheart fix whatever upset her in the first place, and after trying to reassure her that everything was going to be fiiiiiine, I typically just backed off and tried to give her some space.
Spaaaace
I mean, at that point I had made sincere attempts to fix the problem and to provide a morale boost–now she just needed a little time, right?
You’d think after a few times of this approach leading to bickering and arguments I would have wised up.
I did not.
It wasn’t until things started shifting in the direction of domestic discipline that I realized what a big mistake I was making. The first and most important thing to do when my wife gets stressed out is break that cycle, and I’ve found that being firm is far more effective than being mild. It goes without saying that I’m not suggesting unkindness, but rather a response proportional to the distress she is feeling. Sometimes that might be a simple admonishment. Other times…
…a stronger response might be called for. You’ll recall my post about the different kinds of spankings. In this situation a spanking would fall into both the punishment and relief categories; a punishment for rudeness, and a way to relieve the anxiety and worry that she has built up. Whatever it is that works does so because it serves as a reminder of the trust she has placed in me and the promise that I will always do everything in my power to do what is best for us. It relieves that burden of fear and doubt because it is a demonstration of that commitment instead of empty words and gestures, and because it bolsters the sense of intimacy and togetherness we share. As I’ve said before, a spanking at the proper time done in the proper way can clear the air for both partners. Afterwards it is easier to focus on the original problem that caused the upset in the first place.
(You Googled “Peanuts Adult Image” and were disappointed that it wasn’t all bobble-headed smut, didn’t you?)
Laughing Knave 